Sometimes it is hard to wake up in the morning and face yourself in the mirror. What comes to mind when you think about staring at your reflection? Most people tend to avoid it. Or do it with critical eyes. We stand in front of the mirror and seek out every one of our flaws. We point them out, one by one, judging ourselves; the bags under our eyes, the lines on our face, a hair out of place, etc. We are our most critical judge.
Then, when we go out and someone attempts to give us a compliment, it is difficult to accept. We swallow hard as we utter a begrudging, “thank you”. Then silently tag a negative addendum to said compliment; to make ourselves feel… deserving?
When we keep these negative perceptions of who we are, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, it is easy to become a door mat for others. We can justify someone being rude or dismissive to us as we (silently) believe we ‘deserve it’.
Here is the truth. NO ONE deserves it. We have been raised in a society that gives an unrealistic expectation of perfection. By putting asymmetrical ‘beauty’ on a pedestal. We need to recognize that it is our unique differences, the flaws, that make us perfect. We are imperfectly perfect creatures. No one has the right to make fun of us or try to make us feel bad about ourselves because of a what they may perceive as ‘flawed’ rather than some unrealistic advertisers ‘ideal’ of perfection.
YOU ARE PERFECT JUST BEING YOU
Humanity already struggles under the weight of dysfunctional families. Family units that are lacking one parent or another, for whatever reason, struggling to raise their children. Children growing up insecure in owning their place in the universe. Kids seeking acceptance from others when it is their family that should be building them up and not putting them down. Insecurity can lead to depression which leads to self harm. It also leads to accepting harm from others. Harm is not always manifested by physical abuse. It is also psychological and emotional abuse.
We have been told that a bully is just making up for a lack of something in their life. While this may ring true it does not make it acceptable behavior. Where does the bullying come from? How do we stop it? Most bullies were bullied themselves. Sometimes by a family member or a “close” friend of the family. They weren’t told their self worth, instead it was the exact opposite, it might not have even been in words but by the actions of those around them that demonstrated how little they were thought of.
In order to feel better about themselves, they took these ‘life lessons’ and use them on others. It is a vicious cycle that repeats. Perhaps, not all bullies felt the sting of this type of physical and/or emotional abuse, perhaps they just choose this way of being in order to feel better about themselves. In order to feel like they are better than the people around them. Perhaps brought on by the jealousy of what someone else has and instead of working hard to get it they would rather tear down another person. (As if there is some justification in this type of behavior.)
Isn’t it an unfortunate circumstance, that instead of building others up, people would rather criticize and tear down? These forms of behavior should be unacceptable, yet I have noticed a pattern, that their acceptance is dependent on the subject matter.
Being Positive Toward Others Should Be Inherent
Some where along the line, the world changed, from being one of working toward what we wanted to things being expected. How many people do you know who simply “expect” things to be handed to them? They don’t “think” they should be working for what they want. Instead it seems to be becoming the social norm to take from others or berate others who have gained through hard work. These expectations to being taken care of instead of wanting to take care of themselves. They would rather remain a child than take on adult responsibilities and the gains that come with them. However, they want to be treated like adults when they refuse to act like them.
How do we change this thought process? Unfortunately, change can’t be forced. Hitler said, “Whoever has the youth has the future.” So, who is teaching our youth? As parents, we should be more interested in our children when they are indeed children than giving the responsibility to others. We should be helping them to learn to find the best in others, to work for what they want, to treat others with respect. There shouldn’t be caveats when teaching them these things. In other words, “only be nice to people who have blonde hair”.
Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but when we start sorting out how we treat people based on whether they are rich or poor, or the color of their skin, then we continue to propagate the problems. When we don’t teach our children and expect them to learn for themselves, they are going to find someone to either teach them or to emulate. Will that person be you? Or perhaps the way they act is because they are emulating their parents and family members already.
We can not leave our children vulnerable to learn on their own. Not only do we leave them open to the possibility of being taught things we don’t want them to know but we open them up to being victims of predators. They become prey. Children can’t fend for themselves. They are still learning, growing, becoming. It is how they are taught that will define them as teenagers into adulthood.
Raise Your Child(ren) Toward the Adult You Want Them to Become
Children are like clay. They are moldable when they are young. By the time they hit preteens into their teenage years, they are pretty defined as to who they will be as an adult. Sure, they still have growth that will come through life experience, but they are pretty set in their attitudes. Take some time to look at your child. Really look. Listen to what they are saying. Watch how they are interacting with others, how they are playing. These things will give you an idea of what is going on in their lives.
They will act and behave like the person and/or people who are the biggest influences in their lives. There is no harm in disciplining your child. There is no harm in holding the line when they try to test it to see what is acceptable behavior. As the adult, it is YOUR responsibility to be the steady, stable rock they know they can rely on. When they are hurt, they need to know they can come to you. When they are struggling they need to know they can come to you. If you aren’t accessible, then they will go elsewhere.
Be Accessible – Love Yourself
I just want to encourage you to be accessible. Be there for your family and friends. There are so many people who are hurting and hide it. Don’t let those you love fall victim to the world around us because you weren’t paying attention. Don’t allow yourself the opportunity to live with regret for your inaction when you had the opportunity. Be the change that you want to see.
Be an example by how you treat others the way you want to be treated. Be positive. Learn to love yourself so you can love others. Learn to love yourself so you can be a positive example for others to love themselves. Teach your children that their flaws make them unique. When they stand in front of the mirror, help them to see the wonder and beauty of who they are, not the flaws. Let them know they are perfectly perfect just being themselves.