When the world slams you, you pick yourself up; sometimes this means clawing and screaming your way until you can stand on your own and find yourself being able to take just one step. That one step will lead you to the next and the next.
Sometimes you are required to remember that you need to breathe, from moment to moment, because not only were you hit so hard the wind was knocked out of your lungs but you also forgot how to breath.
It’s okay to stand still for a while but not forever. As you begin to learn to live again, you will also find that you are often brought to a sudden standstill by a memory; a song, a show, an advertisement for some obscure thing that brings to mind so many thundering recollections. The bittersweet moments that threaten to knock you down and keep you down.
I saw your photo today and it broke my heart. I couldn’t know that the world didn’t stop and I didn’t understand why everyone around me was still moving. I didn’t understand how they couldn’t feel the pain of your loss. How you left a void in a place that once sang with your presence and these strangers didn’t know it. How unfortunate they are to have never known you.
I asked myself again; how do you force yourself to make that first step when the path you were once traveling was narrow but perfect for two? The path is now so much wider. You would expect I would find comfort in that – yet I am expected to walk it alone; to move forward without you. How do people do it?
I am silent in my contemplation of what was and what now is. One moment the world existed and moved at the same pace as everyone around me. Now, I exist in a time bubble, where they all move and I am a marionette; pulling myself up by the strings that hold me and learning that, once again, I must move forward. One foot at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. One tear at a time.
I fight to not exist in a dream world. Sleep beckons me to come to it. Perhaps it is the forgetting that lulls me or maybe it is the hope that I will see you in my dreams. That this is the dream and sleep is the reality. The memory. The song. The dance.
Don’t think that I am crazy to want to exist in that world. For if you understood the pain, you would understand the desire. Yet, here I am. Moving myself forward. Creating a new world. One where my shattered heart will learn to beat again. Though I will never forget, a part of who I am is because of who you were. No, I will never forget but I will learn to live again.
I will learn that; the pain will become less. The heart ache will become less. The memories will remain reminders of the joy. The place you held in my heart will always belong to you. Yet, I know there is room in it still. I know that your love will encourage me to face the challenge that is the day. I know that you wanted me to not be crippled and overwhelmed by the pain of loss. My head knows. My heart needs to be constantly reminded.
It’s a journey. Destination: unknown.